Existential Angst

Sometimes I wonder why I do what I do. I am a little aggrieved that I still experience this level of adolescent angst about my place and value in the world. Surely I would have (should have) grown out of this? Surely one reaches a point in one’s life where one can say: Righto. Here I am and this is what I do and I am content.

Part of my problem is that I just don’t like full-time working. It’s not that I am innately lazy (at least, I hope not).

There is so much that I want to do, and learn, and read, and write, and observe, and muse, and create – and full-time work does not allow me the time to do very much of it, and sometimes, it does not let me do any of it.

And sleep. I resent sleep too. Why do I need so much of it?

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4 Comments

  1. I embrace sleep a bit too enthusiastically, I fear, but it also makes me sad when I consider everything I’ve yet to read or hear or experience. There is so much traveling I want to do and I hate that I always lack time or money. So I definitely understand, but other than recommending a post-doc (which would be quite the pay cut for you, I’m sure) with a lovely boss who is very lax about face time, I don’t have any suggestions.

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  2. I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. When I get too much, eh, but when I don’t have enough, I sometimes dream of sleep. How sad is that?

    BTW, I don’t think it’s the purpose of human beings to be fully content (or at least, not for long). Contentment gets in the way of progress. (I fully realize the irony of what I just typed considering my last post.)

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  3. but sleep is so good and so necessary. not enough sleep and everything falls apart, nothing makes sense and it takes so much longer to understand or do anything.

    but aye, full time work is terrible.

    mainly because as a lawyer you’ll live up to expectation and put in those extra billable hours, rather than save your sanity and go home.

    (ah ’tis one of those days at work)

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  4. Post-Doc –

    The problem is very much time; money, as an obstacle, can generally be overcome. I wish I could sleep more efficiently. Reckon that’d solve the problem.

    I think about academia occassionally. I’m not sure I’m cut out for it. My partner is a post-doc, so I live the life vicariously through him, and you. And honestly, that’s enough!

    Hong Lien –

    That’s odd that you *dream* of sleep. How very confusing!

    I agree with you that human beings are not made for contentment. But I feel so juvenile wondering about what I’m doing with my life.

    N.T –

    Hi 🙂 nice to see you back. Judging from your comment, you must be full-time working!

    Actually, I’m a save my sanity kind of lawyer. I can always put in the extra hours in the mornings – I need my supper!

    Reply

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