My Young Ghost

I read this Verse Novel in Miniature a little while ago (i.e. when it was first posted to that wonderful, wonderful blog) and it captures much more eloquently and (something extremely difficult for me as evidenced by this continual need to parenthesise) sparsely than I ever could a feeling I had while meandering the streets of Melbourne when I arrived here, three months ago. It was such a sweet, heartachey feeling but I couldn’t quite capture it in words. I am, I think, too prosaic for such eloquence.

(Sure, I could edit my parentheses out. Maybe one day I will have an editor who looks at me askance, much as my partner does sometimes when he reads over my shoulder, or rather, across my lap. There is a quality to his silence that elicits a sharp, “Yes?” from me and an explanation from him about how I should fix a sentence, clarify a thought, add something, delete something. He is lucky I take criticism poorly but hide it well. I lie; I hide my feelings poorly but with a degree of grace acknowledge the correctness of his suggestions. He will read this parenthesised paragraph and feel bad. I win!)

About 15 years ago, fresh out of high school, I exercised my new adulthood by moving from Brisbane to Melbourne. I was lost and confused and trying desperately to craft a life here, free of family, free of past. But I failed: my family hung on; my past structured who I was and could not be avoided. Three months ago, I arrived in a post-flu haze to craft another life here. The past I welcome.

As I walked the streets around the University of Melbourne and the CBD, I felt the ghost of my 18 year old self beside me. “Look, Old Oanh! Remember this lawn?” she cried out when we walked through the university grounds, to see the expanse of green on which she – we – I – read Roberto Calasso’s Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony the first, exuberant time. Oh, and the cafe where she sat in a large group of people whom she failed to befriend, slinking away after an outburst about the marvel of fat sparrows. I laughed about it later but was mortified, as only a teenager can be, then. The cafe is long gone, but the corner is there, as are the paving stones where rotund sparrows hopped and pecked.

She’s gone, now. I walked over her impressions and have my own. They’re less sharp, less heartfelt, less like a catch in the throat and more just the satisfying comfort of a full belly.

Shorty Pants

My partner laughed at me for overestimating the length of my legs.  I pulled an armchair up to the sofa so I could rest my feet on the sofa while sitting on the armchair.  But I missed.

I have a tendency to think that I am larger than I am.  I put this down to the fact that I take up a lot of space and make a lot of noise for someone of my height and size. Mostly, I make a lot of noise.  People are known for commenting that they hear me long before they see me.

I often get surprised that someone whom I think is “my height” turns out to be a good 10cms or so taller than me. A friend from high school, with whom I was regularly confused because we were both Asian, had long black hair and wore glasses (therein the similarities ended; well, I lie – later we both studied law), was also surprised to discover she was much taller than me when we hugged goodbye at the end of high school.

Twin-Other-Asian-Friend: Hey! You’re shorter than me.

Me: Hey! You’re taller than me!

Together: I thought we were the same height!

Me: Now, I know I have an overblown perception of my vast height, but why did you think we were the same height?

TOAF: Don’t know.  You just seem … bigger. But you’re not.  Maybe it’s because you’re loud.

My partner also has to check when I say someone is “my height” whether I mean my actual physical height or my imagined height.  The answer is usually a shrug because, well, I’m not really sure.  So my height estimations have to be taken with a grain of salt and may be a 10 – 15 cm margin either way (though most likely upwards).  I have also been known to describe someone as short, and my partner gets to say, “But she was about your height,” to which I can only reply, “Really? I thought she was kinda short,” and he sometimes manages not to say (but occasionally fails for the temptation is too great), “Well, you’re kinda short,” to which, of course, the only reply is, “Harrumph.”

My partner and I had been together for a good three years or so before I realised that he was a whole lot taller than me.  Now, I always knew he was taller than me (I don’t live in a completely imaginary world; just mostly) but it was not until my lawyer’s admission ceremony that I realised.  You see, we don’t take photos together very often.  Back then when we did not have a camera and very few people I knew had cameras, we rarely had our photo taken.

At my admission ceremony, two of my siblings with one of their spouses, my parents, my grandparents and my partner and his mother attended.  My posse took up an entire row in the ceremonial court.  All in all, there were about 3 or 4 cameras and I was pressed into having my photo taken with everyone, either singly or in groups.  One of the photos is the only photo I have of me with my grandfather, who died last year.  There were quite a few of me with my partner – our first ever – and I discovered that even when I am standing tall for a photo, I come up only to somewhere below his shoulder.  He towered over me, head and shoulders.

To which the appropriate thing to say is, “You’re a giant!

And he is.  For he is lying upon the sofa and his head and feet stick out either end.  Now I can lie on that sofa and fit quite nicely, thank you very much.

Banh Tet / Banh Chung

This is not a recipe post.  I am such a disappointment to the poor souls who search for recipes of Viet food.  I talk about (and think about) Viet food a lot, but I never really learned to cook it.  I certainly have not learned to cook from my mother, who always starts whatever I want to learn about well before I arrive at her house (and this is now complicated by the fact that I am many, many miles from her).

I am, however,  (if I say so myself) a pretty good cook and good at guessing flavours and ingredients and muddling along.  And I’m reasonably willing to be experimental.  So, I’ve taught myself some recipes merely from eating a lot.  Now that’s a fantastic way to learn.

My go-to for Viet food recipes is teh internets, but especially Wandering Chopsticks.  Often, I read information on her blog that shines a light on things that were part of my history but that I never really thought about or could explain to anyone if they asked.  I rarely knew why.  Tet has just been and gone and I’m catching up around the blogosphere, and in doing so, I re-read Wandering Chopstick’s post, 3 years past, of her family’s banh tet traditions.

Now, I’m quite sure I call these banh chung and that my family’s have always been cylindrical.  But nikkipolani’s post about her own marvellous mother’s marathon cooking session, despite being unwell, made me pause and wonder what I called them.  And I did not know for sure, only that I was quite sure we did not call them banh tet.

I’ve never been privy to my family’s banh tet/banh chung making sessions.  I remember one pre-tet when I was in high school: I came home from school, doing as I always do – slipped off my shoes at the door and let them fall where they will, tossed my school bag in a heavy heap inside my bedroom and call out to my parents – whereever the were in the house or garden – “Um, Ba! I’ve just got home from school!”  The usual reply is, “Child! Is that you?” to which no reply is necessary.  The next phase of my after school ritual was to go into the bathroom and wash my feet, then wander into the kitchen scavenging for pre-dinner snacks.  I exercised a lot during high school and I ate ridiculous amounts of food all the time.  This day, however, when I walked from my bedroom out to the patio area where my parents usually were, I found my grandmother, mother, an aunt and my second-eldest sister perched on little short-legged stools.  My mother was mixing rice in a bowl; my grandmother was cleaning banana leaves, my aunt and sister were assembling little green packages.  Like the well-behaved child that I rarely was, I greeted my grandmother and aunt properly and dodged around everyone to go up the stairs and into the bathroom.  As I ascended the stairs, I saw Ba out in the backyard making up an enormous fire in our rarely used outdoor barbecue.  “Ba!” I called out to him, “What are you doing?” He waved at me but did not answer.  My sister, however, said, “For banh chung, you idiot.”  This, of course, I did not dignify with a response and continued on my merry way to clean feet and satiate tummy.

That is my only memory of when my family made banh tet/chung.  It perplexed me then, and it perplexes me still.  My mind’s eye has a clear picture of my second-eldest sister adeptly assembling banh tet/chung.  I came back after satiating my teenage hunger and sat on the steps watching (and not offering to help).  I later wandered over to my father to see if I was allowed to poke and prod at the fire (answer: no).

Of all my sisters, she was the one least likely to do any chores, whether cooking or cleaning .  Not that she was lazy, just that the chores never fell to her.  The eldest was, with my mother, the family cook.  The third-eldest was the one who did major cleans (and who could also be trusted to burn soup).  My fourth eldest sister was the everyday cleaner (and unlikely to cook) and I was in charge of the random-(and-if-you-can-be-bothered-to-pin-her-down-and-persuade- her-to-do-them)-chores.  But my second-eldest sister was a mystery.  I rarely saw her cook; though she (as did we all) chipped in to clean most of the time.   And yet, she was incredibly skilled at making banh tet/chung and I learned, regularly called upon by my many aunts to help them make theirs.  No wonder I did not see her very often.

Shortly after this tet, my father fell very ill for the first time, so major cooking events rarely happened at our house.  They were always held somewhere else, at an aunt’s or an uncle’s place, and I was only called in if soup (chicken & sweet corn and crab & asparagus being my specialties) or cha gio (spring rolls – I was / maybe still am a very fast spring-roller) were on the menu.

Banh tet/chung was not a favourite food of mine.  I ate them because I was supposed to and because it was obvious someone (lots of someones) in the family had slaved over the making of them.  My mother liked to eat hers sliced and fried, and then dipped in sugar.  I don’t think Ba was a fan.  By the end of tet, I was heartily sick of them.  My family – despite our large numbers – rarely got through more than a couple.  My parents now don’t even get through one cylinder.  And I have never had a cylinder of banh tet/chung to call my own.